Ohio SUCKS for jobs. I have been interviewing for a year and a half, and someone else always gets the jobs. And it's not because someone is giving me a bad reference - I already checked that out. Last week I applied for a job as exec. secretary for the local bar association. Of course, someone else got it.

The had 80 applicants. They narrowed it down to 12. Nice to be in the top 12, but I'd really like to be the one selected for once. I shouldn't take it personally, but sometimes I feel like I'm playing a kid's game again. Red Rover, red rover, let Susie come over. Damn, why isn't it ever Toni!!

I don't like the job I have now. Sometimes it's too physical, sometimes it's way boring, and my body needs a break from physical labor. Plus my boss yells at me all the time. Sometimes I don't know whether to cry or quit. But I can't quit until I get another job.

I have a degree in English, and last year I made $10,000. Plus no benefits, health insurance, 401k, or anything. Ohio SUCKS for jobs.

God forgive me. I had two apple tarts and I ate BOTH of them. I did not share with my spouse. I am going to hell.

The ability to believe in anything. I seek out something I can grab onto and believe in, and at the same time I am so afraid. I believed in so many things as a child. I believed that someone would stop my father from doing the things he did to me. No one did -- even though I told on him. I believed that if I was good enough, God would make mom and dad stop beating me. It never stopped. They threw me out at 18.

Here I am at 47, and have no ability to believe in anything.

People always say, "those things happened for a reason". They did NOT happen for a reason. They just happened.

I try to let it all go. I tell myself that it is not good to keep remembering and being angry. It must hurt me in some way. But I cannot forget. And to forgive would be obscene. I am what I am in spite of them, not because of them. And who I am is good. I am kind, gentle, compassionate, and deeply empathetic. My good traits are in spite of the violence and emotional abuse. But my bad traits are directly related to what was done to me.

I do not like small children. I think it's because I was not allowed to be a child at all -- ever. So when I'm around children who are just being children, I get angry at them for not being good. When they scream and yell and get into stuff I want to yell at them. Just like mom did to me. Like mother like daughter. That is frightening indeed.

First blog - people wonder what cruel tattoo means in my email address. Some think it's about having a lot of tats. Really, it's nothing to do with tattoos. I once wrote a chapbook of poetry with that title. The title poem was about the irrevocable scars that parents can leave on their children. Not cool at all, huh? Still, having gotten that clarification out of the way, I wonder what my blogs will contain. Hopefully not too much about childhood. No one wants to read about that horrific crap. But that's what life sometimes is, no?
And so, sometimes it will be about that, and more often it will just be about my (wonderful) life as it is now (true love does make a difference), and just musings on things.
I think I will have a lot to say. It's just making the time to get around to saying it. We shall see... we shall see...

It's just a little strange -- my birthday is on May 4th (Kent State), and my brother's is on September 11th. Just odd that we suffered so terribly as children, and our these horrible events occured on our birthdays. Hmmm...

Of course, it really means nothing to me. I don't much believe in synchronicity, fate, karma -- and all that. I guess there's not much I do believe in. The inability to believe in anything or anyone is the result of past things done. Some day I hope to find something I can believe in besides my marriage of ten years. But it surely will not be anything remotely judeochristian, twelve step pithy sayings... For some reason I don't like God too much. And the so-called "Christians" I've met are some of the must judgemental closed-minded individuals on the planet. And seeing as I'm a lesbian, those people either don't want me in their churches or just want to change me (yeah, right!). The United Methodist churches are very tolerant, but I still can't get past the God part.

Wow! Way too heavy for first blog. Guess these blogs may also be stream-of-consciousness which might have the potential to bore the crap out of any poor souls who happen to stumble across this.

Still, it is my blog, and blog away I will. Maybe.